A few weeks ago, I didn’t know I was Faye. You might expect someone in their thirties to know who they are already. I thought I did.
I have been role-playing in online games and on forums since I was a teenager. Role-playing is how I met my partner and the only friends I speak to on a regular basis. My mind is always in another world, which is perhaps the best attribute I can offer as a writer. In these games, and in others where I can customize my character, I play women nearly every time. That was not always the case: when I was younger, I would play men. Slender men, with long hair.
Armed with this knowledge, you can imagine that when I read another person’s testimony about finding her identity through playing a woman in Final Fantasy XIV, a light went off in my head. Not The LightTM (or Hydaelyn’s), but a lamppost far into the distance. I started stumbling toward it, doubting every step of the way, wilfully blinding myself even to the fact that I was walking this road.
I thought it was my characters bleeding into me. When you play a role for any length of time, it can’t help but affect you. I forced myself to play male characters to reconcile with that part of me. I figured that, sure, being a woman would be nice, only I was too old or too masculine (don’t laugh), and besides I was fine being a man. You can see where this is going.
There is a great website out there that was presented as a very accurate means of figuring out if you are trans. It’s a simple page, blank save for one word: “Yes.” By that point, I was already fairly certain that I was, so that made me laugh. When you are asking the web if you are trans, chances are pretty good that the answer is indeed yes.
It felt so good to come to that realization. I rode that high for a few days. Even now, when I stop to think about it, to say, “I am Faye,” it makes me smile. It was not something I was aware of before this year, which goes to show that knowing one’s identity is not as simple as it might seem. Keep your mind open, because one day you might come across the key that will open the door and let you see a lamppost, far into the distance.